The resignation of the Mothers
Published March 15, 2018
This text has come to me through a friend, after one of those many conversations we women have between 30 and 40 years old about the subject of motherhood - work and the duality, anguish, mixed with fear and guilt that appears at the time of making the decision.
I share it today after several sessions in which the topic has come up. As a woman at some point I saw myself in the dilemma between children - no children, as a friend I continually see the dilemma in which some of my female friends are faced with the subject and as a therapist who works with female healing, it is a topic that appears continuously and that cries out to be spoken, sustained and contained with all the emotions that the subject (Children - No children) - (Children - Work) (No children - Work) and all its mixtures brings to us.
Imagine you are a highly qualified professional.
Imagine you have a job you are passionate about.
Imagine you earn a lot of money that allows you to have the standard of living you dreamed of.
Imagine you feel you are respected and valued.
Imagine that you have economic independence which means that your relationships with other adults are healthy and free.
**Can you imagine it?
Now imagine becoming a mother.
Imagine that your expectations are to enjoy those 90 days off work and then go on with your brand new career because you can afford to pay the best person in the world to take care of your baby while you're gone.
Imagine that time comes and you feel a mixture of relief and sadness. Relief because motherhood is more exhausting than your 10-hour job among corporate and economic sharks, and sadness because deep down you don't want to leave your baby with anyone.
Imagine you are in your office and you feel that this is not what you want to do.
Imagine you decide to give up your job, your status, your independence, to be a mother in the way you freely choose.
Imagine that the days and weeks and months, perhaps years go by and you feel happy to be present in the upbringing of your children, happy to know that you are investing in something that no one else can give them, happy because your head, used to analyzing everything coldly and objectively, tells you that you are indispensable for your children at this stage of their development.
Imagine that in spite of that, another part of you feels tired, exhausted, upset and susceptible because your emotional part is not content with knowing "the benefits of raising children".
Imagine that you haven't slept often for years, haven't had an adult conversation without interruptions of "boob", "pee", "arms", "I don't want", "I want", "I want" .....
Imagine that now your economy does not depend on you, but on your partner, or on your parents, or on a public system.
Imagine that you realize that no one around you values what you do, that it is taken for granted that it is your obligation, period.
Imagine that you would like the father of your children to be involved in their upbringing and what you get when you talk about it is: "I spend all day working so that you can stay at home and play with dolls".
Imagine being criticized for being anti-feminist, for being "lazy", for being "ladylike", for being a "hippie", for being a fundamentalist ..... They criticize you for one thing and for the opposite, because it seems that deciding to be a mother is not well regarded in any of the sectors you used to frequent: neither in business, nor in politics, nor in society, nor in your family?
**Can you imagine?
Now imagine that in that emotional, physical, emotional and social chaos, you receive a job offer.
Imagine that a headhunter has seen your professional profile and offers you a much better job than the previous one you left.
Imagine that when you hear the figure of what you are going to charge you can't help but think that you have been wearing clothes bought in department stores for months, buying white brands in the supermarket, and that the closest you can get to eating out is going to a fast food restaurant with the kids.
Imagine that you dream of that possibility of recovering your life, your autonomy, your freedom, your independence, your status, your recognition, your "voice" that has been diluted among the cries and demands of the little ones.
Imagine that you think about it and decide that it is not yet the time, that your children are still small.
Can you imagine the mixed feelings?
Can you imagine the feeling of guilt that this generates?
Guilt for wanting to say yes to that offer.
Guilt for feeling sad to say no.
Guilt because this event revolts you and makes you angry and frustrated and you have paid for it by yelling at your children, which makes you believe you are a failure as a mother or a fraud to the parenting you want.
Guilt because at the end of the day it's the one thing we have learned as women: to feel guilty about everything, for everything, and for everyone.
We carry the heaviest burden in society, the one that no one recognizes, values or remunerates.
During election campaigns, we are frustrated to see how no one is interested in our situation. We are tired of seeing that the only option open to us is to have day-care centers from birth, or that the father does not even get half of the maternity leave.
We mothers are constantly giving up: ALL of us.
Some give up their lives and others their children.
Some try to combine it all and give up having time for themselves, or having intimate time with their partner, or with their friends, or investing in their health by doing sports... what do I know?
The truth is that any mother you know is a mother at the cost of giving up.
Next time you meet a mother, please don't criticize her.
Don't tell her what to do or how.
Don't ignore her just because you know she won't be able to make it to your evening party, invite her anyway.
Don't fall for platitudes and platitudes.
Just tell her: "You're very brave, you're doing great and I admire you.
Text by Nohemi Hervada
If you want to work on your emotions and process of embarking on your life's journey from the perspective of holistic therapy and healing, do not hesitate to contact contact
Thank you for reading and sharing.
