Understanding the invisible loyalties that divide love #

**Why do you and your partner seem to be on opposite sides? Where do these invisible tensions that persist despite love come from?

From the perspective of family constellations and the transgenerational approach, these questions have deep roots that go beyond the obvious. Couples come together not only because of attraction or compatibility, but also because of systemic and emotional resonances with the family systems they come from.

What are unconscious family loyalties and how do they affect the couple? #

As developed by Bert Hellinger, founder of family constellations, every human being is linked to his or her family of origin through a network of invisible loyalties. These loyalties act as internal forces that push us to repeat patterns, assume roles or compensate for unresolved imbalances in the system.

Brigitte Champetier de Ribes calls this blind love, an infantile form of loyalty to the family clan that, although full of love, can limit our emotional freedom and our capacity to love in the present.

When two people in a couple belong to family systems with different histories, wounds, or values - and have not healed their primary bonds - it is common for unconscious "sides" to form within the relationship. This polarization can lead to conflict, emotional distance and disharmony.

Common dynamics of polarization in the couple (according to family constellations) #

These two sides are not necessarily conscious, but manifest themselves in phrases such as:

"I always have to give in because you keep sticking to your mother."

"You do everything like you do at home, there's no room for mine here."

"We're fighting over things that we don't even understand why they hurt us so much."

Here are some of the most frequent dynamics: #

1. Loyalty to family of origin vs. loyalty to partner. #

When one of the partners has not symbolically taken their place as an adult in front of their parents, they prioritize their mandates, needs or traditions over the current relationship.

2. Victim vs. perpetrator #

If one of the members is identified with histories of injustice in their system (abandonment, exclusion, violence), they may adopt the role of victim, while the other is perceived as the "culprit" or the oppressor, even if the dynamic is unconscious.

3. Tradition vs. autonomy #

One may defend rigid family customs as a form of loyalty, and the other may seek to create new forms, new rituals, new ways of loving. This tension reflects an unresolved intergenerational conflict.

4. Exclusion vs. belonging #

When there are excluded members or histories in family systems, those exclusions are symbolically repeated in the couple. For example, one partner may feel emotionally marginalized, repeating a previous fate.

When analyzing frequent searches related to this topic, questions emerge such as:

Why do I repeat patterns in my relationships?

How do my parents influence my life as a couple?

What does it mean to take the father or the mother in family constellations?

How to heal family ties from the systemic approach?

Why do I feel that I am not a priority in my relationship?

This article responds to these concerns by showing that many of our couple problems are not born in the couple bond itself, but in the family systems to which we belong and with which we maintain unresolved loyalties.

How to heal the "two sides" in the couple's relationship? #

🌿 1. Become aware

The first step is to take an honest look at your own family ties. What are you repeating without realizing it? What command are you obeying out of blind love?

🧩 2. Include what is excluded

As Hellinger said, "what is excluded, seeks to return." Identifying exclusions, secrets, unprocessed grief or difficult destinies in the family tree can be key to freeing the relationship from those burdens.

💫 3. Healing the bond with the parents

Particularly, healing the relationship with the father (taking him into the heart as he was, without idealizing or rejecting) provides internal structure, direction, and balance with masculine energy, facilitating healthier and more mature relationships.

4. Performing a family constellation

Through a constellation, the unconscious dynamics at play can be represented and ordered, giving back to each member of the couple their responsibility and place within the system.

Benefits of healing these polarities in a couple #

✅ Greater emotional understanding.
✅ Improved communication and intimacy.
✅ Dissolution of repetitive conflicts.
✅ Reconciliation with family lineage.
✅ Strengthening of adult, free and conscious love.

🌌 Connect with your ancestral wisdom. #

If you are in a time of inner search, I invite you to explore the Ancestral Oracle. This symbolic and energetic tool allows you to reconnect with the messages of your lineage and open yourself to new understandings for your healing process.

🔮 Ancestor Oracle

✨ Final reflection: Love does not need sides, it needs order.

As a psychologist, I have accompanied many people and couples in processes of deep transformation. The key is not in winning an argument or being right, but in bringing order to the family bonds that continue to operate within us.

Healing the "sides" in the couple implies letting go of the need for blind fidelity to the past, in order to build a present of freedom, mutual respect and true love.

I invite you to reflect: #

Which side are you unwittingly defending in your relationship?
Are you faithful to your history or are you willing to make room for a new destiny?

🔹 Share your experience in the comments.
🔹 Download my free guide "How to identify your invisible side in a couple" (link in bio).
🔹 Schedule an individual family constellation session to take a deep look at what your soul needs to heal.

📩 I am here to accompany you, with respect, presence and knowledge.